Stanley Victor Collymore. Scorer of 99 league goals. One-time holder of the English transfer record. Liverpool 'legend'. And now, writer of thesingle best newspaper website columnin recorded history.
In literally the first interesting thing to come out of a pre-match press conference in 18 months, Pep Guardiola sort of kind of looked like he was asking who Stan Collymore was (he wasn't), Twitter had a little giggle about it, and that was the end of it.
A flash @MirrorFootball column coming shortly on Pep not knowing who I am .
Except...it kinda wasn't. Because Stan Collymore is the hero that this planet needs, the one it deserves, and the one who it's getting whether it likes it or not, and he wrote an entire column about how he DEFINITELY ISN'T BOTHERED that Pep Guardiola said he didn't know who he was.
Again, just to be very clear about this, Guardioladidn't say that. He just misheard a question.
Collymore's column is the kind of literature that scholars will be poring over for decades to come - so it's probably time to get a head start on them and go all GCSE English on this thing. From the top...
"I had to have a belly laugh at the posts from blogs and websites getting giddy that Pep Guardiola, when asked about my MirrorFootball column, looked puzzled and asked: 'Stan Collymore?'"
First line. Actual first line. Not the barest hint of hesitation, straight in with the cold open - "I found this funny no really you guys, I swear". Also, and nobody wakes up on a Wednesday morning having to explain how the internet works in the year 2016, but blogs are websites Stan. Bit of redundancy there.
They say in London you are never more than 20 feet away from someone who is blocked by Stan Collymore
"They've had a field day, gleefully saying he doesn't know who you are etc� which, bearing in mind most of these journalists wouldn't be recognised in their own front room, makes it even funnier."
Guys, Stan thinks this is hilarious. He's made sure everyone knows that twice in the first couple of lines here, just in case you were in danger of thinking that a guy who writes a column about a minor slight which - again - WAS NEVER ACTUALLY REAL might be taking things a little bit too seriously.
"If Pep doesn't know who I am, that's absolutely fine, all he needs to do is watch Sky Sports, there's usually the 4-3 game (Liverpool vs Newcastle, 1996) on, or used in an advert."
This might actually be the worst brag ever. Stan, who (without wishing to spoil) is about to go to great lengths to remind us that he's totally a serious journalist now, is very clear that a winning goal he scored 20 years ago is the defining moment of his career.
Also, Pep does know who you are. So, there's that.
Hi @jonnysmiffy , any reason why you didn't play the full Pep answer prior to tweeting?
Is it because it fitted your agenda not to? Wanker.
"Or ask Robbie Fowler, Liverpool legend, and someone I'm sure Pep knows the name of, who his best strike partner was amongst Owen, Rush, Viduka, Shearer, Cole et al."
hahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhaahah
"So if a manager feels I'm irrelevant, doesn't know who I am or dismisses me, that's absolutely fine."
Delightfully, we've gone from one thing that Pep never said to THREE things he never said. Thisis an exciting new development in a new field, which probably has to be called Collymorishness because honestly, reading this column at least 20 times has melted an already fragile brain into molten slag and that's the most creative thing you're getting.
Collymore has just ordered a Xmas card via Moonpig and the site requested his name. He attached a compilation of his Southend goals.
"It's the equivalent of me questioning, like a lot of fans and even Man City fans recently, Pep's ability in England to put a defence together worthy of the name."
...............It isn't though, is it?
"Or a goalkeeper worthy of keeping out England's No.1 on the basis that 'he's not a great footballer' - he doesn't have to be, he just needs to make saves Pep!"
This has been given a paragraph of its own, so it's safe to assume that Stan's sub editor has also completely and utterly given up at this point. This is literally the only time Hart comes up, in the most Yer Da way possible.
"And to all of those bloggers and journos laughing in Pep's press conference today at my expense, I've won awards in YOUR industry and have a 15-year playing career to back it up. If Pep genuinely dismisses me, just imagine what he thinks of you!"
Frame this. Frame this and put it on the wall. Which wall? EVERY wall.
"I'm comfortable not being known by Pep - Brian Clough knew who I was and rated me highly. He was a double European Cup winner who did it from scratch, not from an Abu Dhabi or Qatar silver spoon."
Bollocks to ya, Pep, ya fraud. Like that Abu Dhabi-backed Bayern Muni--oh, mate, you've really not thought this through, have you?
Collymore's response to Guardiola not knowing him.
"That's okay Brian Clough rated me highly..."
Mmmm not THAT highly Stan... pic.twitter.com/StMzuuR09X
"I'll make sure I state my name, National Union of Journalists' number and full address when I'm next at the Etihad, just in case Pep, just in case."
The final line. The coup de grace. Spoken as a direct challenge to the man who never actually insulted him in the first place. A reminder that he's Totally A Real Journalist Now. Lots of commas. The sense of entitled, wounded pride. Stan Collymore is the best of us, and we'd do well to remember it.
For more from Chris when he's not writing on 90min, follow him on Twitter at @ThatChris1209